I hold on...
I cannot believe it has been two years! Two years, since I left England and returned to life in Raleigh, NC. I would love to say that this time has been amazing. That it has been filled with great adventures in the journey I call life and wonderful things to share, but unfortunately, I got stuck. The transition back into a "normal life" posed a much bigger challenge than I could have ever imagined. I wish I had read the YWAM book "Re-entry" a few months before I came home, instead of over a year after! I think some of that information may have posed helpful! It is hard for one to imagine how life will be outside of the "bubble" of Christian community and fully focused ministry. I found myself at a loss for purpose and feeling very alone.
The time has been filled with many ups and downs. More downs than I would care to recount, but last October, when it seemed I couldn't take too much more, I was gifted the opportunity to spend my birthday with my friends and loved ones back in England. The trip brought me so much more than I could have ever imagined. I went in full expectation of having a lovely holiday. A time to relax and catch up with people I missed so dearly. Time to play tourist and take in as many cups of tea as I could manage! Many things had changed, I knew, and in my head, I thought that going would put my heart at ease. I thought the Lord would show me that my purpose and time in England was a door now closed and I could properly move on. I felt I would come back to the States at rest. Little did I know...
First and foremost, on my little trip, God met me. He met me right there in the living room of my friend Steve and Sonja's home...right on the streets of Cowplain, where I used to walk to and from work each day. He met me in the love and ease of one of the young girls plopping down comfortably in my lap for a bit of a cuddle. He met me in an epic Sunday service at PCC where Rex sang the words "I hold on to You" over and over again. And in that moment, when I realized I was literally only holding on by a thread, He was right there.
Each moment was sweeter and sweeter. I felt "fought over" by the attentions of so many (wish I had had time for all!) and my cares, shame, disappointments, and "first world problems" soon felt so small in comparison to the overwhelming love I felt.
I arrived in Wales for the second half of my visit and more words of encouragement were poured over me, reminding me over and over that my place in the UK was not a just thing of the past. The pictures and words that were given to me were not just bits God had given me to share but were pieces of this unfinished puzzle He had been putting into place. I came home with my heart full but not at rest.
I asked God, what is next, Lord? What do you want from me in this place and this season. "Grow." He said. So, I am taking this time to seek Him. To find more healing and dig deeper. Each day, something new comes to mind. I learn something. I make mistakes. I see little victories. In moments, I feel I can soar and in others I still "hold on". The biggest thing I have learned through it all is that to Him, it isn't about the finished product we become. It isn't about some one thing we accomplish. He never asked us to work for our salvation or earn His affection. To Him, it is simply about the journey. It is about each day we choose to pursue Him and learn another aspect of His endless being. It is about growing in our love for Him and others- understanding what true love looks like. It is about seeing ourselves as He sees us (I AM a Warrior Princess!!).
Today, you find me thankful for His endless mercy and grace. You find me also full to overflowing with the passions He has placed in me. My heart literally burns to share His love with those who are hurting. It burns for a country I never thought I would see more-less fall in love with. It burns to be used in the fullness of all the gifts and abilities He has planted in me. And the paths ahead are many.
Only a few months ago, really, I would have told you I was a hopeless cause. I believed I was no longer of any use to God's purposes. That somehow, that "moment in the sun" had faded. Those were undeniably lies from the pits of hell. The enemy would love to keep me deep in a cave. Perhaps that means he sees me as trouble. So trouble, I will be!
Pray for me as I "Grow" and seek the Lord in the next season. My head spins with notions of what is to come and right and left He is showing me things, teaching me more, reminding me I am His, I am loved. I pray He will remind you of that today. Last week in our LBS teaching video, Priscilla Shrier said "Your crisis is NOT powerful enough to put you out of the reach of God!!" Let those words fill your heart and encourage you in your journey. He met me where I was and is taking me where I am headed!
The time has been filled with many ups and downs. More downs than I would care to recount, but last October, when it seemed I couldn't take too much more, I was gifted the opportunity to spend my birthday with my friends and loved ones back in England. The trip brought me so much more than I could have ever imagined. I went in full expectation of having a lovely holiday. A time to relax and catch up with people I missed so dearly. Time to play tourist and take in as many cups of tea as I could manage! Many things had changed, I knew, and in my head, I thought that going would put my heart at ease. I thought the Lord would show me that my purpose and time in England was a door now closed and I could properly move on. I felt I would come back to the States at rest. Little did I know...
First and foremost, on my little trip, God met me. He met me right there in the living room of my friend Steve and Sonja's home...right on the streets of Cowplain, where I used to walk to and from work each day. He met me in the love and ease of one of the young girls plopping down comfortably in my lap for a bit of a cuddle. He met me in an epic Sunday service at PCC where Rex sang the words "I hold on to You" over and over again. And in that moment, when I realized I was literally only holding on by a thread, He was right there.
Each moment was sweeter and sweeter. I felt "fought over" by the attentions of so many (wish I had had time for all!) and my cares, shame, disappointments, and "first world problems" soon felt so small in comparison to the overwhelming love I felt.
I arrived in Wales for the second half of my visit and more words of encouragement were poured over me, reminding me over and over that my place in the UK was not a just thing of the past. The pictures and words that were given to me were not just bits God had given me to share but were pieces of this unfinished puzzle He had been putting into place. I came home with my heart full but not at rest.
I asked God, what is next, Lord? What do you want from me in this place and this season. "Grow." He said. So, I am taking this time to seek Him. To find more healing and dig deeper. Each day, something new comes to mind. I learn something. I make mistakes. I see little victories. In moments, I feel I can soar and in others I still "hold on". The biggest thing I have learned through it all is that to Him, it isn't about the finished product we become. It isn't about some one thing we accomplish. He never asked us to work for our salvation or earn His affection. To Him, it is simply about the journey. It is about each day we choose to pursue Him and learn another aspect of His endless being. It is about growing in our love for Him and others- understanding what true love looks like. It is about seeing ourselves as He sees us (I AM a Warrior Princess!!).
Today, you find me thankful for His endless mercy and grace. You find me also full to overflowing with the passions He has placed in me. My heart literally burns to share His love with those who are hurting. It burns for a country I never thought I would see more-less fall in love with. It burns to be used in the fullness of all the gifts and abilities He has planted in me. And the paths ahead are many.
Only a few months ago, really, I would have told you I was a hopeless cause. I believed I was no longer of any use to God's purposes. That somehow, that "moment in the sun" had faded. Those were undeniably lies from the pits of hell. The enemy would love to keep me deep in a cave. Perhaps that means he sees me as trouble. So trouble, I will be!
Pray for me as I "Grow" and seek the Lord in the next season. My head spins with notions of what is to come and right and left He is showing me things, teaching me more, reminding me I am His, I am loved. I pray He will remind you of that today. Last week in our LBS teaching video, Priscilla Shrier said "Your crisis is NOT powerful enough to put you out of the reach of God!!" Let those words fill your heart and encourage you in your journey. He met me where I was and is taking me where I am headed!
We most definitely need to chat. I have loads to share as well :)
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